Thursday, July 31, 2008

Emotional

Infertility sucks!!! There is no other way about it. It's so hard to endure much less write about. But in my experience; having an outlet to write out crises is surprisingly freeing and empowering.

Dealing with such a range of emotions is enough to make anyone feel crazy. Anger, Optimism, Anguish, Sadness, Defeat, Pain, Loneliness, Conviction, Frustration. I feel each of these from time to time. With other difficulties I find a way to get to the root of the problem and work towards acceptance and moving on. With infertility; it's not a problem I brought upon myself, I am not supposed to be giving up yet, and my options haven't been exhausted. And so the process keeps repeating itself. Just when I think I am gaining strength, I get knocked down once more.

Brandon and I deal with things very differently and this is no exception. Sometimes I feel so alone because my feelings and reactions are different from his. I sometimes feel guilt or disgust for having certain feelings. I want to have faith and hope but at the same time feel so hopeless. What a roller coaster!!

I know we will get through and beyond this. I know in the end it will make us stronger. I'm not forgetting what's important in life and am definitely not obsessing about this. Some days are bad, but most of them are still good. After all, the blessings in my life are still much more than I ever deserve, that hasn't changed.

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