Friday, January 30, 2009

Dreams

I saw this story on the local news tonight and it just warms my heart. A local young woman was accepted to an acting school in New York. But when her father was laid off she started playing her violin near a busy shopping area to raise money to go. When the local news first reported it someone anonymously donated the remaining balance she needed with the caveat that she donate the money later on so someone else can realize their dream.

It's wonderful to see people's generosity to one another, especially when all we usually see in the media is so depressing. Giving is one of our end goals now that we are out of debt and getting our finances in order. We have been "living like no one else," so later we can "give like no one else." Seeing stories like this are such an inspiration and a reminder that good still exists in this world.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thinking: Dangerous, I Know

I have had a lot of time with my thoughts recently. I have so many things floating around in my head on a daily basis, sometimes it is exhausting. Getting it all out whether verbally or through writing usually just sends me rambling, but I will try.

Life is complicated, confusing, still so much a mystery. This isn't anything new, I know. People often talk about a longing for 'simpler' times. But did our parents, grandparents, great-grandparent, and ancestors think their times were simple?

We have all kinds of modern conveniences that make our lives a lot easier. The medical advances in our time alone are astounding. Yet, doctors still sometimes can't figure out for years what eventually turns out to be an easily curable or minor ailment. And people rage that they haven't found a cure for cancer yet. We have come so far but there are still things in life we will never be able to fully understand.

Our health care system is severely broken. Many can't afford it, some go without. Insurance companies play God. It will take a lot of time and research to fix it, no one person has all the answers. It will take the collective part of many minds to figure this one out.

The media forecasts doom and gloom. They say we are in the worst times ever... They thrive on fear. What's really going on around us? There is a recession, but I'm not participating in the fear. So many expect the government to wave a magic wand and fix all our problems instantly, but they are human like the rest of us. Quick fixes don't happen, it will take time to get back on our feet. We can't forget our hope and faith.

Many don't like the president our country elected. One of the greatest freedom's we have is our right to vote and have an opinion. No president ever wins a popularity contest, they face difficult decisions and will make many mistakes along the way. But they are human like the rest of us, not perfect. Our current president, every president, deserves our respect for the job of leading our country. So we don't always agree 100%, that's our freedom and our choice, pouting won't change it.

There is corruption among some politicians. This isn't anything new, it isn't relegated to either major party. Corruption has gone on since time began and will continue. If you make a mistake, own up to it. It's OK to admit you did something wrong. Take your medicine and get on with your life.

Huge companies are failing, falling into bankruptcy. Some of them are standing in line holding out their hand. When any of us mess up in life, we have to face the consequences, pick up the pieces and learn from our mistakes. Giving them all handouts isn't always the best answer. Sometimes you have to fail to become better.

I guess my point is that life is never simple. So much is going on around us. Can we be happy with our lives despite the turmoil? Of course. We have the love of our families and friends. And we have many blessings regardless our station in life. Some of the most impoverished people are the happiest people on earth. Some of the wealthiest people on earth are them most cranky, unhappy people you will ever meet.

There is so much we don't know and may never know. But we can strive to learn as much as we can while we are here. We can keep open hearts and minds. The world is always changing and we are creatures of habit. But we can embrace the changes that happen along the way.

I am grateful for my life. I am blessed to be a part of this world. Life is very difficult at times, but it is wonderful at times. I don't have all the answers and I can't always find the words to fully convey what I believe. But I can always keep trying.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Miscarriage That Never Ends

I have dealt with all the emotional aspects of losing my child. I am doing very well in that regard and we aren't giving up hope.

But someone at the hospital on the day of my visit really screwed up. I remember someone coming to my room to take my insurance card and license to copy for my records. The only problem is that no one ever updated my information. They used the information on file from 3 years ago. They filed with an insurance company I haven't had in 2 years. So of course I started getting bills for everything. And I am still getting bills to this day.

It's not as simple as calling and giving the hospital my updated information. I am getting separate bills from pathologists, radiologists, physicians, and anyone who interpreted anything having to do with my visit. All because someone couldn't find the time to update my information.

I understand that mistakes happen but they seem to happen an awful lot in the medical and insurance fields. This is not the first time I have had to deal with something like this. The system is broken and it needs to be fixed. And socialized medicine is NOT the answer, I won't even get started on that mess.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hard

When my health declines, I get quiet. I draw inward and keep to myself. I find it hard to write when life gets really tough, even just writing to myself. I have no idea why I do this.

My health is pretty bad right now. I don't think it has ever been this bad before. I have not been well since the start of the year. A few weeks ago I lost my appetite. I thought it was just due to the cold I had but I haven't gotten it back since. When I do eat anymore than 2 bites of anything I get an uncomfortably full feeling, pain and sometimes heartburn and indigestion so bad that I can't sleep. I have dropped 10 pounds since the year started.

When my appetite had been gone for a week, I grew concerned and went to my GI doctor. She says my stomach isn't emptying fast enough and has ordered tests to find out why. Meanwhile, she can not treat any of it until the tests are performed. My last test is at the end of next week.

Needless to say I am becoming worried that something horrible is wrong.

I have faced other health issues which are currently still a mystery. My GI doctor might be able to close the book on my IBD saga that has been going on for 2 1/2 years now. That is good news to me. I face a connective tissue, autoimmune disease but the type is still unknown due to lack of enough symptoms to identify which. I have so far refused long term treatment (with my doctor's blessing) because I am trying to get pregnant and I have weird ideas about not taking any drugs during pregnancy. But I know I won't be able to refuse for too much longer. My joints hurt more and more and I face permanent damage if I continue to refuse treatment.

I am ready for them to find out what is plaguing me so they can treat it and I can have my life back. I long for some normalcy. I want to be able to enjoy my life again instead of constantly being in pain.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Knocked Down

Miserable, I feel absolutely miserable.  I have no idea how something as simple as a cold, and not even a full blown out cold could knock me down so solidly.  It started out like they always do, sore throat and aches, but never progressed to the coughing, sneezing and stuffiness.  It has been the strangest cold I have ever had though.  I haven't had any energy for over a week, I have zero appetite, (I am forcing food down at this point) and I am constantly feeling sick to my stomach.  On top of everything I woke up Friday morning with my left eye glued shut.  Great!!  I haven't been around anyone else in a week, haven't had pink eye since I was a child, how could this be happening now? 

I am grateful that my loving, caring husband is so patient in dealing with my black moods and whining.  He has been cooking dinners, grocery shopping, cleaning, and doing everything he can to make me more comfortable.  And he hasn't even complained once.  He is a blessing beyond words.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Tis the Season...to be Busy

The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of family and activity and never being home. There was:
  • A Christmas concert to participate in.
  • A cookie bake with just the girls.
  • My nephew's birthday party. (since his birthday is 12/24 he usually gets passed over for parties.)
  • Running around town trying to find a Wii Fit for Brandon, having to settle for plan B, then finding out that's what he got for me and he found it the Monday before Christmas.
  • Christmas eve at my grandma's house.
  • Christmas eve service to participate in across town.
  • Christmas morning at my parent's house for breakfast.
  • Stopping by my MIL's house for half an hour because she didn't want to celebrate Christmas unless all her children were together.
  • Christmas afternoon at my aunt and uncle's house all the way back and then even further across town.
  • My parent's house for dinner to see my younger brother and his family who came in town after Christmas.
  • A going away dinner with my older brother and family before they drove back to Arizona.
  • Dinner at my aunt and uncle's house with younger brother and family.
  • Dinner at my parent's house before younger brother and family left.
And now I have been forced to slow down because of some sort of winter crud that has left me feeling achy and tired but hasn't really materialized into a cold. I'm not really sick enough to lay in bed all day, but feel bad enough to not want to do anything.

Meanwhile we have a wedding to go to this weekend, a wedding in LA on January 31 that we still need to book a flight, hotel room, and car rental for, and a wedding on Valentine's day in Lubbock that we need to book a hotel room and rental car for.

I'm telling you, it never ends.