Thursday, February 12, 2009

Rejoicing in the Simple Things

I sometimes struggle with being grateful for my life.  I spend too much time wondering what in life I am meant for instead of enjoying where I am right now.  I beat myself up for my perceived inadequacies.  I don't give myself credit for being good at anything.  In short, I am incredibly hard on myself.  It's been a life long struggle.

But this morning I was able to come out of my morning fog very early.  My fatigue seems to be lifting, my energy is increasing.  My appetite isn't back yet, but I am able to eat more without the acid reflux and pain.  And my doctor seems to be getting closer to figuring out this mystery.

I have been distant with Brandon, I have been dealing with a lot and sometimes I don't know how to think or act.  I have been talking to him, working through the emotions but I'm sorry to admit I haven't been very affectionate with him.  That and he has a cold and I'm supposed to be avoiding those with infections right now.

But today is his birthday, and I've felt bad for pushing him away.  I got up this morning to cook him breakfast while he was showering.  He was so grateful.  I have already cleaned the kitchen, started and finished some laundry and am about to make cookies for my little brother's birthday this weekend.  I have some packing to do and some errands to run and feel like I actually have the energy to complete it all.

I am becoming aware of my limitations with health.  That it is alright to say when sometimes, I don't have to push myself to do everything.  I have been to the doctor's office for tests and procedures more than I would like, my arms are black and blue from the IV's and blood draws, my body is trying to adjust to some potent medicine that I don't exactly like having to take.  I have a liver biopsy coming up on Monday that I am absolutely terrified to have performed.

However, I am grateful that my energy is coming back, that I am able to have more of my life back.  I am grateful that through all of this I haven't had to sit in a hospital bed, that my family is being supportive in taking me to the appointments I can't drive myself home from.  I am thankful for a doctor who seems to genuinely care and is working hard to find answers and solutions to my problems even though she is leaving next week.  And I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and cares for me when I am sick even though I am slightly distant from him.  And most of all I am grateful that God loves me so much that I'm never alone. He is always with me and He will help me through this, no matter the outcome.

1 comment:

  1. You've been in my prayers. I'm very happy to hear you're getting some energy back. I'll be remembering you especially Monday.

    Limitations. I think they are hard for us to accept. We're constantly being told these days to be super women, and it's really not feasible. We are humans, and we all have different limitations. Sadly I think since we've been raised to believe that we can and should to everything 110% that when we can't even give 100% to everything we feel like failures. We're not failures, just human with real ailments and real issues to deal with. The only real perfection, the only one who CAN do everything is God.