I sometimes struggle with being grateful for my life. I spend too much time wondering what in life I am meant for instead of enjoying where I am right now. I beat myself up for my perceived inadequacies. I don't give myself credit for being good at anything. In short, I am incredibly hard on myself. It's been a life long struggle.
But this morning I was able to come out of my morning fog very early. My fatigue seems to be lifting, my energy is increasing. My appetite isn't back yet, but I am able to eat more without the acid reflux and pain. And my doctor seems to be getting closer to figuring out this mystery.
I have been distant with Brandon, I have been dealing with a lot and sometimes I don't know how to think or act. I have been talking to him, working through the emotions but I'm sorry to admit I haven't been very affectionate with him. That and he has a cold and I'm supposed to be avoiding those with infections right now.
But today is his birthday, and I've felt bad for pushing him away. I got up this morning to cook him breakfast while he was showering. He was so grateful. I have already cleaned the kitchen, started and finished some laundry and am about to make cookies for my little brother's birthday this weekend. I have some packing to do and some errands to run and feel like I actually have the energy to complete it all.
I am becoming aware of my limitations with health. That it is alright to say when sometimes, I don't have to push myself to do everything. I have been to the doctor's office for tests and procedures more than I would like, my arms are black and blue from the IV's and blood draws, my body is trying to adjust to some potent medicine that I don't exactly like having to take. I have a liver biopsy coming up on Monday that I am absolutely terrified to have performed.
However, I am grateful that my energy is coming back, that I am able to have more of my life back. I am grateful that through all of this I haven't had to sit in a hospital bed, that my family is being supportive in taking me to the appointments I can't drive myself home from. I am thankful for a doctor who seems to genuinely care and is working hard to find answers and solutions to my problems even though she is leaving next week. And I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and cares for me when I am sick even though I am slightly distant from him. And most of all I am grateful that God loves me so much that I'm never alone. He is always with me and He will help me through this, no matter the outcome.