Monday, May 18, 2009

Bad News

I returned to my GI doc for a check up today. He wants me to stay on immunosuppressants for at least a year. His reasoning, if I was taken off now I might suffer a relapse thus another round of steroids and 6-mp indefinitely.

I didn't anticipate this. Changing doctors means different opinions, I get that. I still really like him but I got the impression from my previous doctor (who I also liked) that I would not have to take medication for that long. Oh well, that's life, I have to accept the things I can't control.

Now we have hard decisions to make in regard to having children. 2 1/2 years ago after becoming ill and going through disgusting procedures to figure things out I said I would not let my life be put on hold due to illness. And I still maintain that.

There is no consensus among doctors whether or not 6-mp is harmful to a developing baby. Some say, "absolutely not." But studies haven't proven conclusively that it's harmful. I spoke to my doctor who said he has had patients have healthy, successful pregnancies while taking the medication. Ultimately good health of the mother is most important.

No one has any place to tell us we can or can't have children, the decision is ours. I could wait the year out but there is always the chance I may suffer a relapse anyway and have to stay on some sort of immunosuppressant for the rest of my life. Then what, I can't have children ever?

I've spent a lot of time wrestling with the emotional aspects of illness and infertility. I'm not always strong and my outlook isn't always rosy. Sometimes I believe we aren't meant to raise children at all. Sometimes I believe that my health issues aren't something I want to pass on. Sometimes I have the feeling I don't want to raise children. In short, I'm weary, it's been a long road.

But I haven't quite given up hope. It's not our fault, we aren't being punished. If it is His will, God will make it happen in His time. And if we never raise children, it does not make Brandon and I less of a family. I cling to the fact that with God's help, this will only make me stronger. In my weakness, that is all I can do.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes I wonder why it is that so many of us feel that our lives are on hold until we get married, have children, etc? I feel the same way, though I try not to. Does it make us any less of a woman? No. We're just hard wired to desire children, and when obstacles get in our way we have all those doubts that don't help at all.

    I imagine if it's God's will for you to have a child while on this medication, it will happen. If it doesn't then there are always other options as well. No matter what, it takes nothing away from you or the family that you and Brandon have already created. Children only add to that happiness.