Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ramblings of a Head Cold

Life has been happening but I've been feeling particularly uninspired to write lately. Which is probably the best time to write.

There's been mental wrangling dealing yet again with our loss. I thought I was doing well but the scar was peeled back a couple of months ago. I've since come to realize that I will never "get over it" but I can move on and I can choose how I deal with it. With out realizing it depression was starting to set in, but I've decided not to let it overcome me. One day I will beat depression once and for all.

Something I have to constantly tell myself.

More mental wrangling about infertility treatment. Once again it's time to start making those decisions. I have such an immense fear about going through all of it. Another thing I need to let die. But I've got support now. I realize I have to open up, share, and allow others to help me through this journey. It doesn't mean that I am weak. It doesn't mean that I am burdening others.

Things I have to keep reminding myself.

Yet more on my future career options. I am blessed beyond words to have this time of rest. Because of choices and sacrifices we have made I am not working right now. I have a great many interests which gives me a tendancy of paralysis in wondering what is the "right" choice. I realize I might "fail" again, but how will I know without trying? Who cares if I have to go back to school a number of times? Education is never a waste. Stepping out into the unknown is scary but paralysis due to fear is even scarier.

Thoughts I need to drill into my brain.

Do you notice the pattern? Low self-esteem is my enemy. When I told my mom that years ago she said, "But you have never cared what others think of you, you always seem so strong." True, I don't really care. Why is low self-esteem always wrapped up in what others think of you? And seem is the key word. I tend to not share my true self with others.

I am my own worst enemy. Overly critical. Perfectionistic. I don't let others in very easily. It's an anchor that weighs me down. I am only harming myself.

But I am trying. I am opening up more. Reaching out to a support system. Even dealing with unpleasant things and unpleasant people. Working to not let the helpful hurtful things they say rankle.

Life is hard. Dealing with life is hard work. But I can choose to be miserable or happy.

I can choose to live instead of exist.

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