There's been mental wrangling dealing yet again with our loss. I thought I was doing well but the scar was peeled back a couple of months ago. I've since come to realize that I will never "get over it" but I can move on and I can choose how I deal with it. With out realizing it depression was starting to set in, but I've decided not to let it overcome me. One day I will beat depression once and for all.
Something I have to constantly tell myself.
More mental wrangling about infertility treatment. Once again it's time to start making those decisions. I have such an immense fear about going through all of it. Another thing I need to let die. But I've got support now. I realize I have to open up, share, and allow others to help me through this journey. It doesn't mean that I am weak. It doesn't mean that I am burdening others.
Things I have to keep reminding myself.
Yet more on my future career options. I am blessed beyond words to have this time of rest. Because of choices and sacrifices we have made I am not working right now. I have a great many interests which gives me a tendancy of paralysis in wondering what is the "right" choice. I realize I might "fail" again, but how will I know without trying? Who cares if I have to go back to school a number of times? Education is never a waste. Stepping out into the unknown is scary but paralysis due to fear is even scarier.
Thoughts I need to drill into my brain.
Do you notice the pattern? Low self-esteem is my enemy. When I told my mom that years ago she said, "But you have never cared what others think of you, you always seem so strong." True, I don't really care. Why is low self-esteem always wrapped up in what others think of you? And seem is the key word. I tend to not share my true self with others.
I am my own worst enemy. Overly critical. Perfectionistic. I don't let others in very easily. It's an anchor that weighs me down. I am only harming myself.
But I am trying. I am opening up more. Reaching out to a support system. Even dealing with unpleasant things and unpleasant people. Working to not let the
Life is hard. Dealing with life is hard work. But I can choose to be miserable or happy.
I can choose to live instead of exist.