Yet again I am faced with the decision I never wanted to make.
The mere thought gives me a choked feeling of dread. A year ago we thought we had beaten infertility against all odds. But here we are again.
I shirked, I left the decision up to Brandon. If we haven't had success by the end of the year our new year will start with infertility appointments. A repeat of all the tests we did throughout 2008. Wrestling again with the moral dilemmas. Waving the white flag.
I want to just "give up," I'm not being pessimistic. I want to let go of the fight, the anguish, the burden. I want to find peace, I'm so weary. In "giving up" I want to truly give it all to God. I want to trust fully in His perfect will and timing. But that's far easier said than done.
I also know His will might not include us becoming parents. I'm tired of people acting like I lack faith because I suggest we might not have children. Yes, my hope has taken a major hit, I'm not impervious to the pain of disappointment month after month. I'm wrestling with many questions. God wants us to ask the hard questions, He doesn't mind us dealing with our anger and hurt feelings.
Sometimes I believe He might want to teach me more about patience. I don't think I'm extremely impatient. I did wait 6 1/2 years to marry Brandon after knowing I wanted to marry him after a year. In many ways I failed that test miserably but was also rewarded with a completely devoted and supportive husband.
So I struggle. I'm struggling harder than ever, sometimes only hanging on by a thread. Perhaps these trials really will make me stronger someday. I cling hard to that when hope seems all but gone.