Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Return of Fear

Yet again I am faced with the decision I never wanted to make.

Infertility treatment.

The mere thought gives me a choked feeling of dread.  A year ago we thought we had beaten infertility against all odds.  But here we are again. 

I shirked, I left the decision up to Brandon.  If we haven't had success by the end of the year our new year will start with infertility appointments.  A repeat of all the tests we did throughout 2008. Wrestling again with the moral dilemmas. Waving the white flag.

I want to just "give up,"  I'm not being pessimistic.  I want to let go of the fight, the anguish, the burden.  I want to find peace, I'm so weary.  In "giving up" I want to truly give it all to God.  I want to trust fully in His perfect will and timing. But that's far easier said than done. 

I also know His will might not include us becoming parents. I'm tired of people acting like I lack faith because I suggest we might not have children.  Yes, my hope has taken a major hit, I'm not impervious to the pain of disappointment month after month.  I'm wrestling with many questions.  God wants us to ask the hard questions, He doesn't mind us dealing with our anger and hurt feelings.

Sometimes I believe He might want to teach me more about patience.  I don't think I'm extremely impatient. I did wait 6 1/2 years to marry Brandon after knowing I wanted to marry him after a year.  In many ways I failed that test miserably but was also rewarded with a completely devoted and supportive husband.

So I struggle.  I'm struggling harder than ever, sometimes only hanging on by a thread.  Perhaps these trials really will make me stronger someday. I cling hard to that when hope seems all but gone.


  1. I totally understand what you're going through. Sometimes I think it would be just easier to not try anymore and not go through the monthly roller coaster. In fact, I keep putting off the inevitable visit to my OB/GYN regarding the fact that after a year of trying we have nothing to show for it. September / October turned into January. I'm going to make myself then but want to get through the holidays and this whole, stupid divorce mess of my sister's.

    It's hard when people don't have to try at all, or when somoene pretty much unfit can have perfectly healthy babies. I too have begun to wonder if we ever were supposed to have children. Also, if we do have them, are they children I give birth to?

    I continue to pray for the both of you and for us as well. I pray for the Peace of God to come over us, for each of us to accept His will. Just when I think I have His plan for me figured out, He shows me otherwise. I suppose that's why we must walk with faith.

  2. I pray you will find the peace and strength you need for this emotional roller coaster, and hope that God's answer for you is children. I am sorry that life isn't turning out the way you had planned and dreamed. I don't know what you feel, but I have had to deal with circumstances in my life that were not what I wanted. Even though it is still a struggle, I know that I have learned and become stronger for it.

  3. I don't have anything profound of helpful to say, only that you are in my thoughts. I hope and pray that you get your hearts wish but know that whatever happens you will survive, flourish and be happy.