On the last two days I was working for my aunt I noticed I was beyond tired. Very hard to describe. I had been working long hours for nearly 3 weeks by then but I was always able to work through the tiredness. This just felt like I was dragging. Luckily it wasn't too busy and I was working more on data entry and paperwork. I also noticed that I was waking up early in the morning with a full bladder and making more frequent trips to the bathroom. Another indication, I wasn't starting on my monthly downward spiral.
I kept thinking, "maybe" but tried not to get too far ahead of myself. I remember praying repeatedly for God to protect my heart in the event that I faced another month of disappointment. But the thought persisted. I found myself, without thinking, making plans as if I were already pregnant. When I caught myself doing this, I would try to correct my thinking.
In our long years of trying I can count on one hand the number of pregnancy tests I have taken. Charting helps, an early warning system, if you will. This time I waited very impatiently until the day my period was expected to test. Early that morning I woke, took my temperature, saw it was still high, then went to the bathroom to test. I didn't have to wait long before my suspicions proved true.
I wandered back to bed and just sat there looking at Brandon, suddenly shy, not knowing how to tell him. He started to stir, and sleepily told me to lay back down. I asked if he was awake. Yes. I told him I knew now why I had been feeling so off lately. Why? Because I'm pregnant. Are you sure? Yes. To which he said, I'm awake now! We lay there for an hour just discussing things.
We are excited, yet somewhat subdued this time. The last few years, especially this past year have been emotionally draining. We just don't have the same innocence we had the first time around. I was a bit anxious for a few days but woke up one morning and realized that no matter what happens everything will be alright. Last time I remember being overly concerned with really stupid stuff, and later regretted not enjoying the short time I did have. Even though I know it won't be roses and kittens all the time, I want to enjoy this experience, I won't ever get it back.