Friday, September 16, 2011

The When?

You know, "When are you going to have kids?" and all of it's variations. What is it about these questions that gets me burning up inside and turns my stomach?

After this weekend it has been confirmed to me why I dread pregnancy announcements from family and close friends. Always, without fail, because someone is currently pregnant or has just announced, when I go to family gatherings or spend time with those groups of friends, the scrutiny is always turned towards me. The questions and the "cute" comments start.   Please, by all means discuss amongst yourself their pregnancies, I can always not share in the conversation or leave the room if I want, but please don't turn the focus to me, I don't want the attention.

Long before we experienced infertility, I didn't like these types of questions. I thought they were too personal and had the possibility of causing hurt because there are too many unknown factors to consider. And now I have first hand knowledge of how complicated it can be. I also figure people are more than willing to share this information so I don't need to pry.

On the surface I might look healthy. I try to take care of myself, eat right and exercise. But did you know on the inside it's a different story? Do you really want to know that we are "on hold" right now because pregnancy causes my body to start attacking my liver? That after both pregnancies I had to go on steroids to "fix" this problem that can never really be fixed?  When things are that messed up, is it really wise to try to become pregnant and carry a baby? It would only make things worse for both of us. Yes, there is something to be said about putting things in God's hands but I've also only been given this body so I have to be a good steward of it. Do you think I like having to wait? And that in the back of my mind is the fear that it took us years to have one baby, how long might it take for another. And that we aren't getting younger.

Yes, lots of emotions and not really good ones either. So your cute little comment, your nosy questions, your commentary, it can really hurt. It doesn't have the innocence you think it does.