I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth. But sometimes it feels like my mind has. While it's been a difficult past year in some ways, it has been equally joyous in other ways.
Joyous because of watching Madeline grow and change every day. I am thoroughly enjoying being able to spend so much time with her. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God I get to be a part of her life. That's not to say there aren't times when she tries my patience, quite the contrary, it comes with the territory of having a strong-willed, independently minded child.
Unfortunately, for the not so pleasant things I haven't been dealing with them in the most healthy ways. I've been suppressing the difficult stuff in an effort to not give in to stress and worry. I don't want stress and worry taking over my life, but I do need to stop shoving the thoughts and feelings aside. Instead I need to figure some of it out so it doesn't become this overwhelming array of thoughts swirling around my head. I need to be honest with myself. Just, what to do? After having a bad habit for so long it's hard to change it.
I think part of it is finding a healthy balance of everything that is going on. It's easy to devote a large amount of time to caring for Madeline. Squeaky wheel and all. And I've got pretty well under control planning and making meals for our family, we eat out so rarely now (mostly due to having no income at the moment) and I'm also not left with many days where I can't figure out what to do for dinner. Household tasks have gone downhill since Madeline arrived but I'm still keeping up with all of it pretty well.
The areas that are lacking; quiet time for me, or any personal time really; time spent on my marriage; time spent in the Word; finding regular time to get out for a jog; projects around the house; reading...this list goes on and on. All things I enjoy and want to make time for but have shifted over the last year or so.
So like I said, I need balance. I realize I need to enjoy my life where it is at this particular moment, but I admit in a lot of ways I struggle with it.