My heart is heavy. I feel like my body is failing me yet again.
My routine liver test came back high again. I'm facing another possible relapse of autoimmune hepatitis. And this time pregnancy isn't the catalyst. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, my doctor is in wait and see mode. He doesn't want to step up treatment until he is sure it's a flare up and not some outside issue. I test again in a month.
I've been feeling poorly for a few weeks now. At first I thought I was just having a bad couple of days of just generally not feeling well, but those days turned into a week. Then my digestion started messing up, eating meat especially didn't agree with me. And then a few days ago I noticed my stomach would start hurting within 30 minutes to an hour of eating, last for a couple of hours and then go away only to repeat when I eat again. It seemed a little too familiar, like the pain when I was having all sorts of trouble 3 years ago leading up to my diagnosis.
All this throws thinking about another baby into question. Brandon and I agreed to wait a full 2 years after Madeline's birth to give my body time to rest, heal, and build back up. I finished increased treatments for her post-birth flare up just before she turned 1.
And of course this increases those old fears of whether I should be even trying to get pregnant period. Is it wrong considering my health issues? My pregnancy with Madeline was picture perfect and she is perfectly healthy so I know God is bigger than that. But the human in me can't help but question my broken body.
And then there are the thoughts that I'm a burden on my family. Any tests mean paying a deductible and we've cut way back on expenses because of Brandon being out of work. Reminders of my battle (and so far loss) to obtain private health insurance or life insurance. What happens in a year when COBRA runs out and I'm completely out of options?
And I've been trying to push myself to eat even better and exercise more. Since I have no control of certain aspects of my health, I know eating right and exercising are things I can do to stay healthy. A
recent succession of various colds, allergies and sinus
infections derailed my jogging program. I've been going for walks and
jogs sporadically but with the heat kicking in I've been having trouble
settling on a good time to go. Because of the heat I'm also suffering
headaches and struggling to take in enough fluids beyond the norm.
So while I wait I'm going to increase rest, more fluids, not eat things my body is telling me to avoid, no OTC medications of any kind, (other than multi-vitamin and fish oil) and exercise when strength allows. I also need to really listen to my body and not push myself too hard. If I have a busy morning, nothing in the afternoon but rest. If I'm going to have a busy afternoon, no hard activities in the morning.
Besides that all I have left is to lean on God, ask Him to hold me up where I can't hold myself up. And that's a struggle. I want to yell at myself, "Stop getting down about this, it was nothing you did!! Your attitude can affect your health so pull yourself up!" And so it goes...