Monday, October 15, 2012
Today is a bittersweet day. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. While we celebrate with great joy the birth of our sweet Madeline, I also remember our precious Sarah who we never got to meet here on earth.
It's a strange mix of emotions; missing our baby with sadness, but no longer the raw, deep anguish it once was. I guess wistfulness is closer. Sarah is in heaven, she knows the loving arms of her Father, she knows no earthly pain. So I rejoice that she is home. But it doesn't mean I don't wonder what she would look like now, what she would be interested in, what our lives might have been. I rejoice that one day I will be able to hold her in my arms.
I never knew October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance until October 15, 2010. Early that morning Madeline entered the world and our hearts. A long awaited and much anticipated little miracle. Later that day, while on Hannah's Prayer, I found out and I struggled with the conflicting emotions. A day to remember my sweet child gone too soon, and yet a day of unspeakable joy that my daughter was laid in my arms.
So there is the bit of guilt that this is Madeline's day. A day to celebrate her birth and thank God for allowing us to raise his beautiful little girl. Does thinking of and remembering Sarah today somehow take away from that? I'm not sure. I will probably wrestle with these emotions for years to come.
But for now I will remember that small life that gave us hope after such disappointment even if we never got to meet her. And I celebrate with joy the sparkle of life that smiles at me every morning.
And I'm blessed to have a community of sisters who remember my sweet Sarah with me. I am grateful to Mandy, who in addition to lighting candles for her 4 heaven born children, lights a candle for my little Sarah and countless other children every year.