Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Over the past couple of years I've become more and more isolated. I spend far more time by myself. Real tears have not fallen from my eyes since I dealt with postpartum depression following Madeline's birth. I've been "stuffing" all the really hard stuff in order to "stay strong." All of my relationships have suffered because of it. I'm feeling more disconnected with church. I'm feeling the physical distance even more. And the thought of having 3-4 close friends in the congregation sort of terrifies me.
I am friendly with a fairly large and diverse part of the congregation but I have no close friends in church. I have only 2 very close confidants in my life other than Brandon. Part of it is because I'm an introvert and that's just how we are. But I've also been hurt so deeply by others that I have trouble trusting. When I get hurt, I withdraw, it's not my finest trait. So, the older I've gotten the harder I find it to connect with others.
I'm not sure what the answers are. Part of it I need to just really accept who I am as a person and be comfortable with it. Be comfortable with the fact that it doesn't look "normal" to others. The other part I'm sure, is I need to step outside of my comfort zone and try to make more of an effort to connect. I realize I have to put myself out there. And there is always the potential to be hurt. It's just hard to know where to start.