Thursday, June 20, 2013

Have I Made a Mistake?

After not knowing what to do, I agreed to serve another 3 years in a leadership position. Brandon expressed his uncertainty but in the haze of panic I don't know that I really took the time to consider his feelings. I should have asked him to expand further.

Our relationship has suffered with the unbalance of my life. Prior to having children we agreed that, apart from putting our relationships with God first, Brandon and my relationship should have priority over all other relationships. We knew it was one of the best things we could offer our children. Don't get me wrong, we love Madeline, she is a delight and a joy! Not a day goes by that we don't thank God for allowing us to raise her. But who knew how exhausting just the day to day caring for her could be? (And she isn't particularly a handful either.) I'm only half joking, I knew parenting would be difficult going into it. But that's a different topic all together.  At the end of the day I am completely spent, emotionally and physically. By 7:30 my brain is mush and I am useless. Brandon gets home at 6:45 and in the busy time of dinner, cleaning up, baths and bedtimes, (not to mention the noisy little Miss who tries to talk over us when we talk to each other) we don't have any quality time together in the evenings. Repeat that 5 days a week and with church, activities and family time on Sundays, the only day we have left is Saturdays. And we haven't had those to spend together for the past 4 weeks because of travel and various other commitments. Ugh!! Without even realizing it, our relationship's priority has been sacrificed. And that's not good at all!

Because of it I have felt almost numb towards Brandon. Emotionally I am drained. I almost feel like I have nothing left to give. And it's not fair to him at all.