While it may be easy for other women, to me it was an agonizing decision. Why should it be?
First, I have a really hard time joining groups of any kind, it's just not my thing. I am not shy by any means. But I am an introvert. If I get together with people I know I have no problem finding something to talk about. Stick me in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people and they actually want me to talk to them? I feel like a cat backed into a corner.
Second, My road to motherhood was a long and sometimes painful one. At times, I still find myself in disbelief that I actually am a mom. As a survival mechanism I began to identify myself outside of my ability to have children. I spent so long not being a mom that now I have a really hard time sitting around and talking exclusively about mom stuff.
Third, I'm really sensitive to certain topics. We have an only child right now, but we also don't. Sometimes I have a hard time talking about it and really don't know what to say. Other times I am able to share my story more easily. Sarah counts too, her life was of value, but a lot of other people don't see it that way.
I am also sensitive to complaining. I'm not talking about general venting and getting on with it. I'm talking about the excessive, dwelling negativity. I'm negative by nature but I don't want to be so I try really hard to stay away from it. When others do it, especially in groups, it makes me uncomfortable and I want to get away before it drags me down.
Fourth, and this one is really hard to admit, I have a really hard time being around infants. Any other age of children I'm fine with, but infants hurt my heart in ways even I don't understand. And the group I joined is full of mothers with infants, many of the infants will be in the room with us.
The first meeting was hard. I felt sick to my stomach leading up to it and all during the meeting. I was afraid if I opened my mouth more than words would spill out.
It hurt when we had to string pink or blue beads on our name tags to indicate how many children we have. Something that should be so simple. Do I put one or two? I ended up only putting one. And then felt guilty. But I also didn't think I was strong enough to continually answer the questions that would come with two beads.
When one of the ladies answered that the best part of being a woman was the ability to have children, it stung. For some of us that "ability" isn't easy at all. My heart hurt for the countless ladies I know who want nothing more in life then to become mothers. But for reasons only God knows, can not. I realize and don't fault the woman who answered, she has a completely different perspective from mine but oh, how life does different things for all of us.
So why am I going? Mom and Brandon have been gently prompting me to join
for a while now. And our church just began a new chapter. I also feel
that God is calling me to step out of my comfort zone. I need to move on
from some of this
hurt, from my aversion to pregnancy talk and infants. And exposure will
help me get there. I don't expect it will ever completely disappear but
I think with time the pain will grow less. Another reason is God
desires for us to have relationships here on earth. Although I am well
connected at church, I'm not well connected with women closer to my age
or at this stage in life. I've found wonderful support online with other
women who are experiencing or have experienced infertility and loss.
But I need to cultivate relationships face to face. One can never have
too much support, especially in person, and I have hope that I might
find some here.
All of this is so hard to admit. Yes, I am weak, but I am also strong. I need to unburden my heart, get some of these thoughts out of my head. It is time to heal, it is time to move forward.